The Breakup Coach

(NOTE: As you can tell from reading this, The BreakUp Hotline is a satire and meant for entertainment purposes only.  If you are looking for help or advice about getting over a breakup, check out the E-Coaching feature or the Advice section)

Please listen to the following menu:


If you are trying to stay "just friends" with your recent ex in the hope of getting back together with them, PRESS Press 1 repeatedly after having glued a sharp tack onto the button, since apparently you have a very high tolerance for pain.


If your boyfriend/girlfriend has told you that they love you, but they're not in love with you... but they'd like to still hang out and they'll call you sometime soon, and you're not sure if you've been broken-up with, PRESS Press 2 and you will be immediately connected with REALITY.


If you're currently sitting on the couch in 3-day-old pajamas with a quart of ice cream, or cookie dough, or cookie dough ice cream, on hour 5 of a reality TV marathon, PRESS Press 3 . Your 3 best friends will automatically receive a text message alert that it's time to stage an intervention.

If you've been calling your ex repeatedly, or answering their booty calls, PRESS Press 4 . This will activate a special feature that will cause your phone to self-destruct. You have exactly 5 seconds to step away.


If you've been staring at your phone for weeks or months waiting for a call from your ex saying that he was a fool to break up with you and now he wants you back, just stay on the line. Nothing will happen but it seems you're very comfortable with endless, pointless waiting anyway.


If you've been spending hours calling your ex and hanging up, reading their tweets, watching their Facebook page, or engaging in any other kind of stalking, PRESS Press 5 to hear the sound of your life passing you by. Then power down, put on some shoes and go outside for a walk.

If you are an attractive non-smoking male with a steady job who is not intimidated by smart, beautiful women, PRESS Press 6 to be connected to the recruitment center for the BreakUp Coach's Other/Better Fish in The Sea Program.